TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY BLAH BLAH BLAH

Okay, today really is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to take my work seriously. I'm going to treat people better. I'm going to be an all around great guy. Really.
Oh, so you're thinking, "Hey, haven't we heard that before?"
And I'm thinking, "Hmm, are you supposed to put quotation marks around thoughts?"
But to get back to what you're thinking. The answer is, "yes" you have heard me say the same thing before...hundreds of times. But this time is different. And, even though I said "this time is different" several times before, this time I really mean it. And yes, I have even said, "This time I really mean it," before, but you gotta believe me.
I've never said, "This really, really, truly, honest to gosh, really is the first day of the rest of my life," before. So, you see there. I'm one step ahead of you.
But all seriousness aside, I really am going to become a better person. I've had a life-altering experience. Just yesterday, I came this close (picture me holding my thumb and index finger about an inch apart) to death.
What happened, you're wondering, and I know you don't have to put quotation marks around wonderings. Well, I was getting ready to change lanes on the Interstate yesterday. I looked through all my mirrors and even turned around and looked, just like they teach you in driving school when you are sent there to keep from getting a ticket. Anyway, I was sure no one was behind me. So, I switched over to the passing lane.
At the instant I did so, a commercial on the radio played a horn blaring sound. I froze. I kind of did a swerve here and swerve there sort of tactical maneuver, which proved to me that if there had been someone behind me, I'd in all likelihood be very dead today. I didn't handle it well at all.
But, you're thinking, "Steve, if there really was no car coming, you wouldn't be dead."
To which I have to reply, "Yes, you're right. So, there is another reason, I almost died."
And that reason can be summed up in one word, "I was scared to death." Or almost so.
Which brings up the real reason I'm writing all this. Have you ever said, "I was scared to death"? If so, you weren't were you? You see, you couldn't really say it if you had been. I used to say it a lot. But after yesterday I got to thinking that I had better stop saying, "I was scared to death." And I figure as long as I'm going to work on that, I may as well work on my weight and my job and my personality. So you see, today really is the first day of the rest of my life.