I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN

I’m beginning to think that I might not be famous and handsome and rich when I grow up. Now I haven’t given up completely, but it’s beginning to dawn on me that time is running out.
It's not that I’m a quitter. It wasn’t until I reached my mid-forties that I finally decided I wasn’t going to grow any taller. I kept thinking maybe I was one of those late bloomers. I always wanted to be six feet tall. Six feet sounds so debonair, so virile. Five feet, ten inches sounds so ordinary, so frumpy, especially the way I wear it.
But, anyway, I won’t be six feet. So, I have to fall back on my looks. And therein lies the problem. I’ve never been a looker, so to speak. I had about a two month window between acne and liver spots. I was never grossly overweight, but I’ve spent most of my life trying to suck it in.
As far as famous goes, that ain’t going to happen. No one has ever recognized me, except when they mistake me for someone else. And usually, I’ve discovered the people they mistake me for are even uglier than I am. What does that say? I’m not sure.
I never really wanted to be rich. I would like to be in a position where I could have some of the finer necessities in life. It would be nice to go into Food Lion and not have to stop before I get in line and count my money to make sure I can afford to buy what I’ve been putting in my cart.
But I have my health. There’s always that. Not counting the diabetes and the blocked arteries, and the arthritis, I’m virtually in perfect shape.
I have some other things going for me in my encroaching old age. No, I may not have fame and fortune, but here’s a list of the positives in my life:
I have most of my teeth. And, the ones I don’t have, only I and my dentist know about.
I have virtually zero hair growing out of my ears. Occasionally, I’ll see one small hair growing out of that little sticky out nodule on the ear. I pull it and life is good. I also have very little nose hair, and no hair growing on my back, so on the unwanted hair front, I’m in great shape.
I don’t have hideous birthmarks on my face. It may not be a pretty face, but it’s birthmark free.
And here’s the biggie that makes me special…I can hold my breath for a really long time. That’s a plus isn’t it? When I was younger, I used to pretend I was the star of a TV show where the hero’s super ability was that he could play dead. I’d pretend that the hero (me) had his lifeless-like body placed in a room with criminals who would proceed to speak freely because they thought the guy in the room was dead. As I grew through my teens, I began to realize that while the idea was fantastic, there’d probably not be many situations where people would talk with a dead guy in the room. But, while I was pretending to star in this show, I’d lie in bed, perfectly motionless (except I blinked a lot) for five minutes of so.
You know, in retrospect, that really would make for a good TV series. If any of you would like to invest in this venture, I’d be glad to come over to your house and lie on the floor and play like I was dead. I think you’d be impressed and think how surprised your friends will be when they drop in and see what they think is a dead body lying on your floor as you’re vacuuming around me.
I might not have a lot going for me, but, at least, I still have some really great ideas.