A PAINFUL ADMISSION

As painful as it is to admit I have an addiction, I feel that it's part of my recovery. In fact, in putting together my own 12-step program, I've decided to put, “Admitting the addiction” as step 1. I am forced to create my own recovery program, because after doing an extensive search on the web, I've come to the conclusion that Law and Order Addiction is not recognized by any reputable recovery program people or whatever you call them.

Oops, I guess I slipped and admitted my addiction before I actually got to step 1. But, it's true. I'm addicted to any version of Law and Order. I don't care who is in it, how many times I've seen it, I can't go past a channel showing a Law and Order episode without stopping to watch.

However, in recent months, I've come to the conclusion that the TV program is, in part, responsible for my violent behavior. I think it has to do with the fact that the show proclaims its stories are “ripped from the headlines.”

Do you see what I'm talking about? They could just gently tear the story from the headlines. They could even get a pair of pinking shears and carefully cut the stories from the headlines, but no. They have chosen to rip them from the headlines. It's that sort of aggressive behavior that has impacted my life in a very negative way.

For instance, when I'm driving on the highway and some lovely little blue-haired brake rider pulls in front of me, forcing me to slam on brakes and smear my Big Mac all over my neatly pressed suit, I should just smile and say, “Be careful, ma'm.” Instead, I peel out and around her, roll down my window and yell, “Why don't you check into a nursing home and get off the road, Granma?”

Yes, it may be wise advice, but I know I'm only saying it to get back at her. I'm violent and I blame it on Law and Order.

I also think the program has made me immune to the horrors of seeing dead bodies lying in the bushes. I used to shriek uncontrollably when I was playing ball with my grandson, and he would run into the bushes to fetch a ball and come back with a person's nose or finger, or whatever he could pull off. But, after watching so many opening scenes of Law and Order, I've come to the conclusion that virtually every bush has at least one dead body in or under it. So, when I stumble upon one nowadays, I simply call the police non-emergency number and report it. Tell me, is that normal behavior?

That isn't to say that watching Law and Order is all bad. It has brought my wife and I closer together, as we play what we call the Dick Wolf Moment. As each episode draws to an end, we try to be the first one to scream, “Dick Wolf Moment.” Sometimes we scream simultaneously. Those are very special nights. You know the moment of which I speak, I'm sure. You know, that last line...that last, pithy line. It's uttered and suddently Dick Wolf's name appears. I love that.

In fact, I love it so much, I'm going to go watch another Law and Order right now. This addiction might be harder to break than I first anticipated. But, I have gotten past step number one. I've admitted it. And right after Dick Wolf, I'm going to come up with step two. I promise.

GRAVE NEWS

Here's an open letter to famous people everywhere:

STOP DYING! FOR A LITTLE WHILE ANYWAY.

That about does it.

It's not that I really mind them dying, but what I do mind is the fact that the TV networks and the news channels stop the world to talk about the dead person. I could see that if it were somebody like the President or an American Idol, but not just for anybody famous.

The last few weeks, famous people have been dropping like flies. And the TV people have been all over it.  First, it was Walter Cronkite.  Seeing how the guy must have been around 116, I guess the networks were pretty much just hanging around the guy with a mirror under his nose. Because as soon as he checked out, Fox News interrupted its programming to tell the unabridged Walter Cronkite story.  The other news channels did the same thing. It's kind of like buzzards flocking to a corpse.

It was less than fascinating, although I was enchanted to learn that as a boy, he preferred grape to strawberry  jelly. I learned just about everything else the guy ever did or said. Now all human lives are of value, and I'm not one to make fun of the dead. Actually, I would much prefer to make fun of the living, when they can be aware of it, and hopefully just a little ticked off.

But the guy was just a TV news reader. He read real well and for that I commend him, but really, what else did he ever do?  I mean that impacted my life.  

Anyway, Walter was hardly settled into his casket when Michael Jackson was murdered. And all of a sudden all of those important news stories that the news channels keep harping on, ceased to matter for about 48 hours. Michael Jackson?  I'm sorry the guy's dead, but what can you say for 2 straight days about anybody being dead.

Then yesterday Teddy Kennedy dies. The funny thing is even those who spent years making fun of him, suddenly began to put wings and a halo on the guy. The networks even send camera crews and top notch reporters to Cape Cod to cover the death.  How do you cover a death?

It's not like it's a developing story, although no one has bothered to tell Fox News that. One of their cadre of blonde women gushed yesterday, "Breaking News! We're continuing to follow the death of Senator Kennedy."

Huh?  What develops? I'm surprised they didn't have a camera trained on the body to cover rigor mortis setting in.  They did have a camera at Arlington National Cemetery to show us where Kennedy was going to be buried.  That's right...a live shot of a cemetery.  They could have at least shown us the grave being dug.

 And do we, the viewers, really want a blow by blow account of everything the dead guy has ever done?  I mean we didn't care before he died. Now that he's dead, the truth is, he's even less relevant. I don't mean to sound cold, but am i wrong? I thought not.

Wouldn't it be refreshing if one news channel simply said, "Senator Kennedy died. And now on to other news..."  Anything beyond that, and I'm getting bored. Hey, I don't have that many years left myself and I sure don't want to spend them watching details on a guy's death...especially not when I could be watching Sean Hannity telling other people what great Americans they are. Now that's the sort of quality programming I'm looking for.

MY DARING ADVENTURE IN VIRGINIA BEACH

I think that it goes without saying that you all have been wondering if I was dead or something. Well, actually, I'm not. Not yet, anyway. I've just been on vacation, which, as you may know, can kill you if you're not careful.

Indeed, many daring vacationers often do foolish things, such as skydiving, or bungee jumping or something equally as stupid, that they wouldn't normally do in their offices.  I guess vacations just bring out the fool in a lot of us, including myself.

While I'm normally a pretty tame sort of guy, I guess it was something about being in Virginia Beach that made me feel just a bit daring.  Yes, I admit it. I took my life in my hands and did something that, in retrospect, I'd just as soon forget. However, I'm thinking it will be quite some time before I can totally erase the memories from my little brain.

If you're familiar with Virginia Beach, perhaps you're one step ahead of me and have already figured out what I did. But, in case you're not (familiar with Virginia Beach, that is), I'll tell you.

I went to eat at Captain John's Seafood Buffet.  There I said it.  You know, I've written quite a few articles about restaurants. I've often said that I don't do restaurant reviews, because you cans always find something good to say about just about any restaurant. Well, Captain John's is an exception to my little rule.

Have you ever been to a 50 plus item buffet and found that everything on it was horrible? I never had before. But Captain John's gets some sort of award for being truly bad. Come on and relive some of my memories with me. My first stop on the buffet was the seafood. After all, I'm in Virginia Beach, the seafood capital of the world.  I helped myself to a heaping helping of fried clams. They're not good for me, but they're oh so good. At least virtually every fried clam I'd ever consumed prior to this moment in time was good. They looked good...golden brown. But they were as tough and as dry as the cardboard in the center of a roll of toilet paper. Actually, Captain John's clams weren't as good as that. But the toilet would be an excellent place for the clams. In addition to the clams the buffet offered some sort of greasing looking nugget of fish. I knew as soon as I saw those fish morsels that this was going to be a memorable buffet. 

I also tried the steamed shrimp but they were so old and decayed that as I extracted the shelly tail, the shrimp just flaked apart in my hand.  

I put a rib on my plate, thinking maybe the non-seafood offerings would be better. Think again. Actually, the rib was just that...a rib. I couldn't find any meat on it. There was a little sliver of fat and gristle but that's about all that one could suck off the rib, if one had the audacity to try and suck the rib.

After striking out in the fish and meat department, I figured I'd have some side dishes. The corn on the cob looked good...nice and yellowy. It was also tasteless. This is corn the pigs would throw back. 

Despite the fact that I was striking out all along the buffet, I bravely tried the mashed potatoes. You can't mess those up, can you?  Now, I'm not big on instant mashed potatoes, but these had slivers of what looked like potato skin mixed in with them. I'm not sure what the skin-like substance was, and I'd prefer not to figure it out, but the potatoes were much reminiscent of paper mache. You have tried paper mache before, haven't you?

My final attempt at finding something worth eating was with the pudding. It looked like it might be either lemon or a yellowish vanilla. I can't tell you which it was. Maybe it was just a sugar pudding, because it was sweet, but no identifiable taste was apparent.

Now, there were other items on the buffet that didn't look as good as the ones I tried. After discovering that the good looking stuff tasted horrible, I decided that the horrible looking stuff, rather than tasting good, probably tasted even horribler. 

The bottom line, this $16.00 buffet had nothing on it worth eating. I mean nothing. The whole event was traumatic. My first impulse was to  declare that I would never eat again. But, I've been thinking. They say that if a horse throws you, you have to get right back on. I believe that is true. So, I'm heading on over to the Golden Corral.  I'm sure it's just what the doctor ordered.