People are forever coming up to me and saying things like, “Steve, you're just so deep,” or, “Steve, you think too deeply for your own good,” or stuff like that.
I always humbly reply, “Aw, shucks.” And then I blush. I can blush at will, you know.
Anyway, I do have to admit that sometimes, when I put my mind to it, I can come up with some pretty brilliant ideas. And, I've done it again. Here's what I've figured out: Al Gore is actually largely responsible for global warming. He caused it. No, wait. I can prove it.
Think about it. Doesn't increased electrical consumption have something to do with it? I'm sure I read that somewhere. And I'm not talking about how much electricity Al Gore uses in his big house. I think people who can afford big houses should live in them, and, hey, you got to keep a light on.
No, I'm talking about something much more than one house. Here's where my depth comes in. Didn't Al Gore invent the Internet? I think so. He said it and I don't think he would lie about something as important as that. I think I may have even read it at Wikipedia. So you know it has to be true.
Now if it weren't for the Internet, how many computers would be on right now? Mine probably wouldn't. I don't get up at 5:00 in the morning to play Solitaire. Not anymore. But I will get up to see the NASA picture of the day, or to watch some kid in Ohio, on You Tube, who can play a selection from Chopin with his armpit.
And I have Al Gore to thank for that. Bless his heart. Without him, how would I know that the sun set yesterday at 7:27 pm? Or that Haiku is 5 syllables, then 7, then 5?
These are just a few of the things I've learned, indirectly from Al Gore. But, alas (I hope I used that word right. I've been wanting to use it for quite some time), such wonders come with a price. In this case, the price is increased electrical usage. Now take me and multiply me times 1.7 billion Internet users worldwide (learned that from the Internet, too). Now, take that number and multiply by 55 kilowatt-hours of use. That's a typical, maybe modest estimate I found at a website, which, I might add, was only accessible to me because of Mr. Gore. So, take 55 kilowatt-hours and multiply by 1.7 billion and you get 93,500,000,000 kilowat-hours a year of electricity.
Now could that cause global warming? I'm not sure because I couldn't find anything on the Internet to tell me. So, I'll go out on a pretty big limb here and say, yes indeed. It definitely would cause global warming.
But, before you Al Gore fans get all up in arms, which according to allwords.com means, “(idiom) angry,” let me explain. I'm not denigrating our former Vice-President, and, according to some, almost President. I'm thanking him for causing global warming.
What? You're probably asking yourself as you scratch your head. Calm down and hear me out. Before global warming, yes, before there was an Internet, what were scientists warning us about? Now, you're beginning to nod your head in wonderment, aren't you? Yes, it was global cooling. Just 35 years ago or so, that's all we heard about.
Now, if I had my choice of global cooling or global warming, I'd take global warming. I mean we're not talking about the earth hurtling into the sun and frying us to a crisp. We're only talking enough warming to turn New York city into a tropical Atlantic island. And, when you think about it, what's so bad about that. I bet there are many New Yorkers, who, especially after this winter, wish they lived in the Bahamas. Soon they will, sort of.
So, the way I look at it, Al Gore saved us from freezing. And, at the same time, he provided us with a tool that helps me to know the difference between “hurtling” and “hurdling.” I dont know about you, but I'm grateful.
Anyway, I gotta get off of here. I'm going outside and plant me a grove of banana trees. And, next year, every time I go out back and pick me a deliciously fresh banana, I'm going to say a little thank you to Mr. Al Gore.
