A PAINFUL ADMISSION

As painful as it is to admit I have an addiction, I feel that it's part of my recovery. In fact, in putting together my own 12-step program, I've decided to put, “Admitting the addiction” as step 1. I am forced to create my own recovery program, because after doing an extensive search on the web, I've come to the conclusion that Law and Order Addiction is not recognized by any reputable recovery program people or whatever you call them.

Oops, I guess I slipped and admitted my addiction before I actually got to step 1. But, it's true. I'm addicted to any version of Law and Order. I don't care who is in it, how many times I've seen it, I can't go past a channel showing a Law and Order episode without stopping to watch.

However, in recent months, I've come to the conclusion that the TV program is, in part, responsible for my violent behavior. I think it has to do with the fact that the show proclaims its stories are “ripped from the headlines.”

Do you see what I'm talking about? They could just gently tear the story from the headlines. They could even get a pair of pinking shears and carefully cut the stories from the headlines, but no. They have chosen to rip them from the headlines. It's that sort of aggressive behavior that has impacted my life in a very negative way.

For instance, when I'm driving on the highway and some lovely little blue-haired brake rider pulls in front of me, forcing me to slam on brakes and smear my Big Mac all over my neatly pressed suit, I should just smile and say, “Be careful, ma'm.” Instead, I peel out and around her, roll down my window and yell, “Why don't you check into a nursing home and get off the road, Granma?”

Yes, it may be wise advice, but I know I'm only saying it to get back at her. I'm violent and I blame it on Law and Order.

I also think the program has made me immune to the horrors of seeing dead bodies lying in the bushes. I used to shriek uncontrollably when I was playing ball with my grandson, and he would run into the bushes to fetch a ball and come back with a person's nose or finger, or whatever he could pull off. But, after watching so many opening scenes of Law and Order, I've come to the conclusion that virtually every bush has at least one dead body in or under it. So, when I stumble upon one nowadays, I simply call the police non-emergency number and report it. Tell me, is that normal behavior?

That isn't to say that watching Law and Order is all bad. It has brought my wife and I closer together, as we play what we call the Dick Wolf Moment. As each episode draws to an end, we try to be the first one to scream, “Dick Wolf Moment.” Sometimes we scream simultaneously. Those are very special nights. You know the moment of which I speak, I'm sure. You know, that last line...that last, pithy line. It's uttered and suddently Dick Wolf's name appears. I love that.

In fact, I love it so much, I'm going to go watch another Law and Order right now. This addiction might be harder to break than I first anticipated. But, I have gotten past step number one. I've admitted it. And right after Dick Wolf, I'm going to come up with step two. I promise.