IN THE BEGINNING...

Although that dad-blasted Pullitzer Prize has somehow eluded me for lo these many years, I was able, this week, to get an interview with someone that’s pretty important in the scientific community right now. Of course, I’m talking about Synthia, the first man-made living cell, or so I was informed. Synthia, while just a newborn cell, is a fascinating lady and I’m happy to share that interview with you.

ME: Synthia, thanks for speaking to me by phone. This is pretty exciting stuff, isn’t it? And, by the way, may I call you “Synthia”?

SYNTHIA: Well, I guess you’re going to have to because that’s all there is to my name.

ME: Really? I guess I didn’t realize that. You mean you don’t have a last name?

SYNTHIA: Well, let’s just say that “Synthia” is my professional name. You know like Madonna or Cher.

ME: Cool. Or like Lindsey, huh?

SYNTHIA: Who?

ME: Lindsey. You know, Lindsey Lohan.

SYNTHIA: Well, Steve, it’s not like Lindsey at all, because you had to tell me her last name. Lindsey Lohan isn’t known by just “Lindsey.”

ME: Well, I think if you said something like, “Lindsey is a famous young movie star who gets drunk and likes girls,” people would know about whom you were speaking.

SYNTHIA: Well, of course. But if I said, “Thomas was a famous inventor who is responsible for the light bulb,” you’d know about whom I was referring, wouldn’t you?

ME: Sure. Thomas Jefferson.

SYNTHIA: You numbskull. Thomas Jefferson was not an inventor.

ME: I assume you’ve never been to Monticello. He was quite the inventor.

SYNTHIA: Well, okay, maybe so. I’ve only been in existence for a couple of days. I can’t know everything, but my point is that…

ME: Potato, potato

SYNTHIA: What are you talking about?

ME: It’s just an expression. I say “potato,” you say, “potato.” Let’s just agree to disagree so we can move on.

SYNTHIA: Okay, but if you’re going to be writing this out, “potato” and “potato” look the same.

ME: I don’t think you give my readers the credit they deserve. Perhaps we weren’t created by some fancy scientists, but we know “potato” when we see it. But, moving on. You’re a brand new life form created by some humans or something, right?

SYNTHIA: Well, not exactly. I’m more of a goat germ that turned into a cattle germ. It’s all very technical. I’m not sure you’d understand it.

ME: Well, you know what happens when you assume, don’t you?

SYNTHIA: That wasn’t funny the first time I heard it, which, come to think about it, this is the first time I heard it.

ME: Don’t be fooled. I have a pretty good idea what you’re saying. I do some experimenting in the kitchen. Like this one time, I took some feta cheese and mixed it with bleu cheese. That’s kind of like what you’re talking about, isn’t it?

SYNTHIA: Actually, Steve, to put it in laymen’s terms, you’re an idiot.

ME: Potato, potato again. But, tell me this. Do you know why the bleu in bleu cheese is spelled so weird?

SYNTHIA: Steve, I think I need to go back to the test tube and lie down. You’re really very tiring?

ME: Intellectual discussions can do that. They give me a headache sometimes. You know, right down where my sideburns are, but usually only on the right side of my head. Like when I went to see Somewhere in Time, I got nauseous trying to figure it out. Anyway, this has been fascinating, but I think I have enough words for my column. Thank you so much for helping me to enlighten my readers. And if I may say it, “Happy birthday.”

SYNTHIA: No, I don’t think you can say that. But thanks for having me.